Tag: separation

Stressful mornings

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what to wear

Hectic, stressful mornings are a common complaint among families with young children. Several people trying to get up, washed, fed, dressed and out the door in less than an hour. It can feel almost impossible to get through the mornings without an outburst from a child or a parent. Many parents feel shame, guilt and disappointment that they need to repeat themselves or even yell to keep their child focused on the morning routine and out the door in time for work and school. The preschool years can be particularly difficult because this is the first time that your child has had to maintain a morning schedule and may resist giving up a slower paced start to the day. Schedules can feel arbitrary and difficult to understand for a toddler or preschooler, and parents can feel frustrated and angry when their child does not follow through with the tasks at hand. It is helpful to understand some of the factors that contribute to the hectic start to the day so that your family can make changes that will allow for a more peaceful morning.

Most often, the end of a busy morning routine is met with a “goodbye” and separation between parents and children. This can be difficult for a preschooler who is just settling into school and learning to separate from Mommy and Daddy.   Your child may not feel the same rush to get to school on time as you do because she is not feeling ready to say goodbye. This is a troublesome feeling to put into words for a young child or they may not even realize that they are feeling this. Instead, they will resist the morning routine and delay the goodbye as a way of communicating or acting out their struggle. It is helpful for parents to put the behaviors and feelings into words and reassure their preschooler that they understand and can help. It can be as simple as saying, “Mornings can be really tricky because there is a lot to do before we have to say goodbye at school and saying goodbye is still hard when we get there. Remember, I can read a book with you before you go into the classroom and I will be back to pick you up when school is finished. So let’s get those shoes on so we have time for that book”.

It is also challenging to balance your morning schedule and needs with the needs of your children. Some parents have  to check their emails or messages to help organize their day, but their child requires their full attention. Others want their morning coffee, alone time or even a shower before they can attend to their child’s needs. This can be impossible to do if you are all waking up at the same time. Many parents find it extremely helpful to wake up before their child so that they can have the much needed time to themselves to start the day. This can be achieved by setting your alarm 20-30 minutes before your child’s wake-up time, allowing you to turn on your coffee maker, check your messages and jump in the shower before you have to make breakfast, give repeated reminders about teeth brushing, and help with shoelaces.

Families can also strategize together about how to make mornings easier. Ask your preschooler what she thinks about the morning…”Wow Missy, this was a really hard morning! You really didn’t want to get dressed and Mommy yelled too much. What do you think we could do so that tomorrow is not so rushed and hard”. The answer will probably not be a fully developed plan, but even short responses such as, “I don’t like to wear tights to school” can be very helpful. Planning together gives your child an active role in the morning and also some accountability.

These are just a few ideas that can help families establish more manageable and successful morning routines. UWS Parenting Support works with families who need more specific and individualized guidance to restructure their mornings and help their child calmly and happily start their day. Please call or email to learn more or schedule an appointment.

uwspsemail@gmail.com

646-864-4270

Preparing your child (and yourself) for preschool

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September is approaching and your child’s first day of preschool is only a few weeks away. If your child has never been away from you and from home for several hours at a time on a consistent basis, you may worry about her adaptation to the big change about to occur. Will she like it? Will he be OK without me? Will he make friends? Will she follow the teacher’s instructions and behave appropriately? Will the teachers pay enough attention to her? Will he feel abandoned? Did I choose the right school? And you can keep going with questions of your own.

The first big task of a new preschooler is mastering separation (see our article on Separation under Common Parenting Concerns). And, in parallel process, it is also the biggest task for the preschooler’s parents. Everyone can feel a little worried as they are facing this big milestone. Separation is an ongoing process that manifests differently at different stages of development and in different contexts. There is a huge range in the way that individual children and parents experience separation.   The good news, however, is that most kids do adjust well to preschool and feel happy there, even those who have a harder time in the beginning.

Toward the end of September we will post thoughts and tips to help if your child is struggling with separating during the early weeks of preschool. In the meantime, you may find some ideas and practical advice for getting your child ready for the transition to the world of “big kids” in the following article published by Zero to Three”. As you think about how to help your child, you will also be preparing yourself to entrust your child to the care of a new set of adults and a whole new community.

http://www.zerotothree.org/early-care-education/child-care/preschool-prep-how-to.html

Bear in mind that preschoolers have a limited sense of time and sequencing and therefore it is wise to not start talking about school too early. This article suggests two weeks prior, but for some children one week is enough. Do not overwhelm your child with too much information all at once, but rather present it gradually in manageable units.

Please note that tips present practical advice that parents can try, but they are not a prescription for the “right way” to prepare your child. Only implement the tips that you feel will help you and your child. If you try something that feels uncomfortable, drop it. And allow yourself to adapt, improvise, and elaborate on these tips in your own personal way.

If you think that you and your child need or could benefit from individualized help in preparing for school, please call us at 646-864-4270 or email us at uwspsemail@gmail.com.

Why it is important to say goodbye each time you leave your child

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kissing baby goodbye

There are many reasons why parents leave their baby or toddler in the care of another adult.  Some families have daily goodbyes when the grown-ups go to work while others have time away from their young child less frequently. Babies and toddlers can have many different reactions to being left in the care of someone other than Mommy or Daddy.  Some are perfectly fine as their parent walks out the door or are even excited about the time they will have with the babysitter.  Others may pout or whimper at the goodbyes, while many children become very upset and resist the separation by physically clinging on to the parent and crying. Even more puzzling to parents is the very common situation in which their child suddenly cries and clings desperately when Mom or Dad leaves him with the very same babysitter whom he greeted happily for months before. Going in and out of a “Mommy phase” or a “Daddy phase” is also typical for many children.

Like their children, parents may have a range of different feelings about leaving their baby or toddler, including relief and excitement for having time to oneself or with one’s partner, guilt about having to leave for work or go on a trip, worry about leaving the baby/toddler in someone else care, and dread about the difficult goodbyes and tears as the child is left behind.

Mastering separation is one of the most important developmental tasks of the first three years of your child’s life and every child goes through various normal phases during the process. We often first experience struggles with this during toddlerhood, but learning to cope with separation starts during the first months of life, even when you leave the room your child is in for a few moments.

Parents can establish routines that help pave the way towards healthy separations.  These routines will allow your child to develop trust that “Mommy and Daddy go away and they always come back”.

Here are tips when leaving your child in the care of someone else:

Enlist the care of a trusted caregiver, friend or family member who is familiar to your baby/toddler.  Spend time together with your child and this person so that they can develop a relationship before you leave.

  • Prepare your child for the goodbye, but not too far in advance “Grandma is coming after you finish your snack and Mommy and Daddy are going to go bye-bye”.
  • Talk to your child about what she will be doing in your absence. “Aunt Sara is going to give your bath, get you in your pajamas, read you Curious George and Goodnight Moon and put you to sleep after Mommy and Daddy leave.  We will be here when you wake up in the morning.
  • Always say goodbye and let your child see you leave.  Some parents are tempted to sneak out to avoid the hysterics of a difficult goodbye, but this is not helpful. It can cause a child to worry that his parents can disappear at any moment, making it difficult to trust the idea that “Mommy and Daddy go away and they always come back”.
  • Establish goodbye rituals.  “Remember, Maggie is coming after breakfast.  You and I can sing Wheels On The Bus and Twinkle Twinkle and then Maggie will bring you to the door to say goodbye.”  Older toddlers may like to choose between a few routines, (2 or 3 choices are plenty).  This allows them to feel some control over and take a more active role in the goodbye. Some children like to push their parents out the door themselves, turning a passive experience into an active one again.
  • Make goodbye routines short.  Drawn out goodbyes can lead to increased worry or upset for your baby/toddler.  This often means prying your child from your goodbye hug and leaving them crying in the arms of the caregiver.  For some children, the crying becomes a helpful part of the ritual and is not an indication that the goodbye is too difficult.  Tolerating the crying and leaving with the confidence that she will be fine helps your child to trust this too, and minimizes the crying in the future.
  • Play “goodbye games” with your toddler.  The first of these games, starting at about 5 months, is Peek-a-boo. Playing lots of Peek-a-boo, which most children love and want to play over and over again, helps your child master the experience of seeing you disappear and re-appear in a playful and enjoyable manner. Starting at around 2, you can pretend that they are leaving you and you are feeling upset about their going.  Many toddlers initiate this game themselves. They carry a pretend briefcase or pocketbook and pretend to leave for work or date night.  This allows them to turn their passive role in most goodbyes into an active role and they are thrilled when the parent has a huge reaction to the goodbye.  So pretend to cry and carry on as they leave and joyfully greet them as they return “from work” or their “Big night out”!

The above tips are general ideas about how to help you and your child with separations and can be used for saying goodbye from home, school or daycare.  Some children struggle more than most with separations and parents may need more support and guidance to find an individualized approach to helping their child master goodbyes.  UWS Parenting Support works with families to support healthy separations and goodbyes.

Traveling without your baby or toddler

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Part 3 of our Travel Series

couple-168191_1280Many parents feel the need to have some time away from their children in order to relax, reconnect as a couple, enjoy uninterrupted conversations and other adult activities, or simply to catch up on sleep.

We are often asked, “Is it OK to leave my 4 month old son with the nanny for a weekend?” “If I leave my 18 month old daughter with my parents for a week, will she be traumatized?”

As with most questions about parenting, there isn’t a “yes” or “no” answer. Many factors must be considered. However, in most cases, with thoughtful planning and preparation, you can ensure that your child will be OK and that you will be able to have a good time.*

Preparing to travel without your baby (up to 12 months of age)

  • Babies live by their senses. They know their caregivers’ faces, voices, how their bodies feel, smell and move, and the sequence of routines throughout the day.  It is important for the environment to retain as much as possible of what is familiar to them during your absence.
  • Leave your child with a trusted person whom your baby knows well. This is the single most important factor.
  • Make sure that routines, such as the sequence of meals, naps, play time, bath time, and especially the bedtime rituals remain the same as when you are at home.
  • Even though you may think your baby does not understand words, it is never too early to begin talking to him. Tell him you will be back, that he will be safe and well-taken care of while you are away. Tell the caregiver to talk to your child in this reassuring way as well. Be sure to say goodbye when the time comes.
  • Do not stay away more than 2 or 3 days. If possible, start by taking an overnight trip and see how that goes.

 Preparing your toddler for your going away

Many of the same principles apply to toddlers as to babies, except that toddlers are far more aware and have the added advantage of understanding and being able to use words.

  • Tell your toddler you will be leaving on a trip without him. For young toddlers of 16 to 24 months, tell them the day before. Tell older toddlers no more than 2 to 3 days before you leave.
  • Talk to them in simple, concrete terms that they can understand. For example, you can say,   “We will be gone for 2 bath times” or “2 sleeps.”
  • Choose a familiar and trusted person to care for your child. If more than one person will be with her, tell her the order. For example, “Grandma and Grandpa will take care of you for one bath time (choose the word you think will make sense to your child), then Aunt Sue will take care of you for one more sleep, and then we will be back.”
  • Try and keep your toddler’s routine and environment consistent and familiar. Talk to her about what will be the same as always and also about the special activities that are planned for her during your absence.
  • Do not give details about what you will be doing during your trip. Keep it very simple, for example, “Mommy and Daddy are going on an airplane and will sleep in a hotel for two nights.”
  • A book of pictures helps a child, especially a preverbal child, master an extended separation. This book can contain photos of you, your child, and the caregivers who will be staying with him. Or the book can tell a very simple story of what will happen and can be illustrated by hand or with photographs: saying goodbye; parent/s on an airplane or in a car; child with the person taking care of him; child in an activity with the caregiver; the return of the parent/s and reunion with the child. The child is at the center of the story, not the parents. Some children ask for the book to be “read” to them a lot, some carry it around like a transitional object, some ignore it completely. Any and all reactions are normal and typical.
  • If you are going to be away for more than a couple of days, you can think about whether Skyping or phoning would be reassuring for your older toddler. If you do decide to call or to Skype, choose a time of day that will be least disruptive and upsetting to your child.
  • If your child protests and cries when you explain to him that you are leaving, tell him you know that he is not used to your going away, but that he will be fine and you will be together again soon. It will help your child if you show empathy for her feelings in a calm and confident manner.

Separation is one of the main developmental challenges of the first three years of every child’s life. Here are a couple of developmental points to bear in mind:

  • Just because your child is unable to speak or “too young to remember”, separations from main caregivers and changes in environment do have an impact that can be lasting if they go on for too long.
  • Each baby will react in his and her own way to the separation. Do not be fooled if your child appears not to notice that you were gone, some children’s reactions are more subtle than others’. The amount of crying or the absence of crying is not an indication of how well the separation was tolerated.
  • If your child turns away from you when you return, do not take this as a personal rejection or a sign that he or she is angry at you.   It takes many babies and toddlers a little time to shift away from one caregiver back to another. This has more to do with cognitive development than with feelings about your absence.

You can read further about separation on our website uwsparentingsupport.com under Common Parenting Concerns.

*Please note: There are some circumstances that cannot be addressed in this post in which leaving your baby or toddler even for two days may not be advisable. You can consult one of our parent-child experts if you have concerns about leaving your child.