Does your toddler refuse to put on her coat?



Winter is upon us! Are you dealing with the common challenge of struggling to get a coat on your protesting, squirming toddler? This can delay getting out the door on time and parents can feel exasperated and helpless.

It is important to remember that toddlers assert their autonomy by saying “no” to the wishes of their parents. They also rebel against being physically manipulated in any way. This is a necessary part of their “me” development but since they must wear a coat, what can you say and do when your two year old won’t put on her jacket?

Some children do well with your saying, “We have to go now. I will carry it for you until you need it” and then put their coat on in the lobby or once you’re just outside. However, for many children, that just delays the struggle and it is best to get the coat on inside your house before you go. You can distract your child with a toy, by talking about another topic that interests her or by singing a favorite song while putting on his coat, thereby avoiding a power struggle. Always focus on where you are going TO, rather than on the leaving.

If you have to put your child’s coat on and distraction doesn’t seem to be working, then put on his coat quickly and energetically, while remaining calm and talking to him in a reassuring tone about where you are going, what you will see on the way and get out the door as quickly as you possibly can.  She will calm down after you get outside and start pushing the stroller.

Parents can feel that they are being aggressive while dressing a protesting toddler, but it is important to remember that he or she needs you to be in charge and is relieved when the struggle is over.






Why it is important to say goodbye each time you leave your child

kissing baby goodbye

There are many reasons why parents leave their baby or toddler in the care of another adult.  Some families have daily goodbyes when the grown-ups go to work while others have time away from their young child less frequently. Babies and toddlers can have many different reactions to being left in the care of someone other than Mommy or Daddy.  Some are perfectly fine as their parent walks out the door or are even excited about the time they will have with the babysitter.  Others may pout or whimper at the goodbyes, while many children become very upset and resist the separation by physically clinging on to the parent and crying. Even more puzzling to parents is the very common situation in which their child suddenly cries and clings desperately when Mom or Dad leaves him with the very same babysitter whom he greeted happily for months before. Going in and out of a “Mommy phase” or a “Daddy phase” is also typical for many children.

Like their children, parents may have a range of different feelings about leaving their baby or toddler, including relief and excitement for having time to oneself or with one’s partner, guilt about having to leave for work or go on a trip, worry about leaving the baby/toddler in someone else care, and dread about the difficult goodbyes and tears as the child is left behind.

Mastering separation is one of the most important developmental tasks of the first three years of your child’s life and every child goes through various normal phases during the process. We often first experience struggles with this during toddlerhood, but learning to cope with separation starts during the first months of life, even when you leave the room your child is in for a few moments.

Parents can establish routines that help pave the way towards healthy separations.  These routines will allow your child to develop trust that “Mommy and Daddy go away and they always come back”.

Here are tips when leaving your child in the care of someone else:

Enlist the care of a trusted caregiver, friend or family member who is familiar to your baby/toddler.  Spend time together with your child and this person so that they can develop a relationship before you leave.

  • Prepare your child for the goodbye, but not too far in advance “Grandma is coming after you finish your snack and Mommy and Daddy are going to go bye-bye”.
  • Talk to your child about what she will be doing in your absence. “Aunt Sara is going to give your bath, get you in your pajamas, read you Curious George and Goodnight Moon and put you to sleep after Mommy and Daddy leave.  We will be here when you wake up in the morning.
  • Always say goodbye and let your child see you leave.  Some parents are tempted to sneak out to avoid the hysterics of a difficult goodbye, but this is not helpful. It can cause a child to worry that his parents can disappear at any moment, making it difficult to trust the idea that “Mommy and Daddy go away and they always come back”.
  • Establish goodbye rituals.  “Remember, Maggie is coming after breakfast.  You and I can sing Wheels On The Bus and Twinkle Twinkle and then Maggie will bring you to the door to say goodbye.”  Older toddlers may like to choose between a few routines, (2 or 3 choices are plenty).  This allows them to feel some control over and take a more active role in the goodbye. Some children like to push their parents out the door themselves, turning a passive experience into an active one again.
  • Make goodbye routines short.  Drawn out goodbyes can lead to increased worry or upset for your baby/toddler.  This often means prying your child from your goodbye hug and leaving them crying in the arms of the caregiver.  For some children, the crying becomes a helpful part of the ritual and is not an indication that the goodbye is too difficult.  Tolerating the crying and leaving with the confidence that she will be fine helps your child to trust this too, and minimizes the crying in the future.
  • Play “goodbye games” with your toddler.  The first of these games, starting at about 5 months, is Peek-a-boo. Playing lots of Peek-a-boo, which most children love and want to play over and over again, helps your child master the experience of seeing you disappear and re-appear in a playful and enjoyable manner. Starting at around 2, you can pretend that they are leaving you and you are feeling upset about their going.  Many toddlers initiate this game themselves. They carry a pretend briefcase or pocketbook and pretend to leave for work or date night.  This allows them to turn their passive role in most goodbyes into an active role and they are thrilled when the parent has a huge reaction to the goodbye.  So pretend to cry and carry on as they leave and joyfully greet them as they return “from work” or their “Big night out”!

The above tips are general ideas about how to help you and your child with separations and can be used for saying goodbye from home, school or daycare.  Some children struggle more than most with separations and parents may need more support and guidance to find an individualized approach to helping their child master goodbyes.  UWS Parenting Support works with families to support healthy separations and goodbyes.

Traveling without your baby or toddler

Part 3 of our Travel Series

couple-168191_1280Many parents feel the need to have some time away from their children in order to relax, reconnect as a couple, enjoy uninterrupted conversations and other adult activities, or simply to catch up on sleep.

We are often asked, “Is it OK to leave my 4 month old son with the nanny for a weekend?” “If I leave my 18 month old daughter with my parents for a week, will she be traumatized?”

As with most questions about parenting, there isn’t a “yes” or “no” answer. Many factors must be considered. However, in most cases, with thoughtful planning and preparation, you can ensure that your child will be OK and that you will be able to have a good time.*

Preparing to travel without your baby (up to 12 months of age)

  • Babies live by their senses. They know their caregivers’ faces, voices, how their bodies feel, smell and move, and the sequence of routines throughout the day.  It is important for the environment to retain as much as possible of what is familiar to them during your absence.
  • Leave your child with a trusted person whom your baby knows well. This is the single most important factor.
  • Make sure that routines, such as the sequence of meals, naps, play time, bath time, and especially the bedtime rituals remain the same as when you are at home.
  • Even though you may think your baby does not understand words, it is never too early to begin talking to him. Tell him you will be back, that he will be safe and well-taken care of while you are away. Tell the caregiver to talk to your child in this reassuring way as well. Be sure to say goodbye when the time comes.
  • Do not stay away more than 2 or 3 days. If possible, start by taking an overnight trip and see how that goes.

 Preparing your toddler for your going away

Many of the same principles apply to toddlers as to babies, except that toddlers are far more aware and have the added advantage of understanding and being able to use words.

  • Tell your toddler you will be leaving on a trip without him. For young toddlers of 16 to 24 months, tell them the day before. Tell older toddlers no more than 2 to 3 days before you leave.
  • Talk to them in simple, concrete terms that they can understand. For example, you can say,   “We will be gone for 2 bath times” or “2 sleeps.”
  • Choose a familiar and trusted person to care for your child. If more than one person will be with her, tell her the order. For example, “Grandma and Grandpa will take care of you for one bath time (choose the word you think will make sense to your child), then Aunt Sue will take care of you for one more sleep, and then we will be back.”
  • Try and keep your toddler’s routine and environment consistent and familiar. Talk to her about what will be the same as always and also about the special activities that are planned for her during your absence.
  • Do not give details about what you will be doing during your trip. Keep it very simple, for example, “Mommy and Daddy are going on an airplane and will sleep in a hotel for two nights.”
  • A book of pictures helps a child, especially a preverbal child, master an extended separation. This book can contain photos of you, your child, and the caregivers who will be staying with him. Or the book can tell a very simple story of what will happen and can be illustrated by hand or with photographs: saying goodbye; parent/s on an airplane or in a car; child with the person taking care of him; child in an activity with the caregiver; the return of the parent/s and reunion with the child. The child is at the center of the story, not the parents. Some children ask for the book to be “read” to them a lot, some carry it around like a transitional object, some ignore it completely. Any and all reactions are normal and typical.
  • If you are going to be away for more than a couple of days, you can think about whether Skyping or phoning would be reassuring for your older toddler. If you do decide to call or to Skype, choose a time of day that will be least disruptive and upsetting to your child.
  • If your child protests and cries when you explain to him that you are leaving, tell him you know that he is not used to your going away, but that he will be fine and you will be together again soon. It will help your child if you show empathy for her feelings in a calm and confident manner.

Separation is one of the main developmental challenges of the first three years of every child’s life. Here are a couple of developmental points to bear in mind:

  • Just because your child is unable to speak or “too young to remember”, separations from main caregivers and changes in environment do have an impact that can be lasting if they go on for too long.
  • Each baby will react in his and her own way to the separation. Do not be fooled if your child appears not to notice that you were gone, some children’s reactions are more subtle than others’. The amount of crying or the absence of crying is not an indication of how well the separation was tolerated.
  • If your child turns away from you when you return, do not take this as a personal rejection or a sign that he or she is angry at you.   It takes many babies and toddlers a little time to shift away from one caregiver back to another. This has more to do with cognitive development than with feelings about your absence.

You can read further about separation on our website under Common Parenting Concerns.

*Please note: There are some circumstances that cannot be addressed in this post in which leaving your baby or toddler even for two days may not be advisable. You can consult one of our parent-child experts if you have concerns about leaving your child.









Traveling with your toddler or preschooler

Part 2 of our Travel Series


Most toddlers, contrary to infants, understand and use language to communicate, but the degree to which they understand and express themselves with words varies greatly. You can and should therefore help your toddler or preschooler by explaining things to her in words, bearing in mind that children at this stage of development are very concrete and immersed in the present moment. Here are some suggestions that will help prepare your toddler for traveling and for being away from home.

Traveling with your toddler or preschooler (part 2 of 3)

  • Tell your child about your trip only a few days before you leave.   Young children are unable to understand time as adults do and the anticipation of a trip that is several weeks away may cause anxiety. For example, a two and half year old cannot understand what 3 weeks really means and he may think that your date of departure is the day after you discuss the trip. This will result in 3 weeks of repeatedly having to answer the question, “Are we leaving today?” This open-endedness can feel unsettling to a small child.
  • Pack portable, familiar comforts from home. For most children, trips are easier to enjoy when they have their favorite snacks, books, toys and transitional object such as a blanket or lovey.
  • Pack a bag with fun activities and games to help pass the time on long trips or in restaurants.
  • If possible travel with only a backpack so that you have both hands free for attending to your child.
  • Prepare your child for what will be new and different. A day or two before your trip use simple language and pictures (when possible) to discuss your trip with your child. Talk about who you will see, some of the activities you will do and where you will stay.child-215317_1920
  • Reassure your child by discussing what will be the same as at home when you are traveling. Vacations provide a much needed break from our daily routines, but this can be unsettling to toddlers and preschoolers who are comforted by predictability and repetition. Knowing what will remain the same will help manage your child’s reaction to the change. For example, let him know that you will all be together and that “you will still have your cheerios for breakfast”, “naptime in the afternoon (but some days in your stroller)” and “3 books before bed, just like at home.“ You may need to go over and expand on these familiar and reassuring routines more than once before you leave as well as during the trip.
  • Children are not always able to verbalize or identify what is hard for them and parents need to interpret certain behaviors as communications that something doesn’t feel right. Increased whining, clinginess or tantrums, change in sleep patterns, resisting transitions, and changes in eating habits can be signs that your child needs more support and attention during your trip. If she is having a hard time, you can tell her, “I know that trips can be hard and not always fun and I am going to help you”. Then slow things down and try to allow for more quiet time for your child to relax and recharge during these busy days.
  • Making adjustments or changes in routines so that your child feels comfortable during the trip is perfectly normal. Routines can be regained when you return home. There will be an adjustment period, but it will not be a permanent change. Remind your child that you will be returning home soon to what is familiar.